Smartwater Shmutz Water

A Guest Blog

Nottinghamshire police are punterizing themselves and the public once again by claiming that they are the cause of the reduction in burglaries in Nottinghamshire - despite the fact that burglary has been falling at the same or an even greater rate throughout the western industrialized world for the past few years.

Did Notts. police also reduce burglaries in London? Perhaps they have harnessed Rupert Sheldrake's morphic resonance?

I watched a TV show the other night on Nottinghamshire police using capture houses to trap burglars by identifying them via hidden video cameras and by spraying them with sensor triggered aerosols in the capture house with their favorite crime reduction quack cure - Smartwater.

They claim to have caught 30 burglars in the five years or so since they have been using this method. Interestingly, the TV show revealed that it was the camera evidence that actually led the police to every thief. Think about it - these guys do not leave a Smartwater trail along the road like slugs or snails. Although technology that would facilitate such a thing would be great... not sure what happen if they jumped on a bike or bus though.

Anyway, I digress. So back to the documentary. The police used the video camera evidence only to identify known burglars. Then they arrested them on the street or at their home. Then they scanned them for Smartwater - so what! They had the video evidence anyway. Why pay all that tax payers dosh for dumbwater?

Here's the punchline: Notts police went and arrested this guy who one officer on the burglary squad swore blind from the video evidence was the offender. Yet clearly it was not him. I yelled to my partner as we watched the TV show: "but that's clearly not him!"

Anyway, they pulled this guy - a known shoplifter - never been known to be a burglar. He swore blind he was innocent. They scanned him for Smartwater and found none on him. But they went ahead anyway and used taxpayers money to prosecute him. And they failed. He was found innocent. Go figure Nottinghamshire police. Have you thought about this between making TV documentaries that show you in a poor light?

Here is a question for the Chief Constable of Nottinghamshire Constabularly: Why are you using (sorry buying) Smartwater if you know its so rubbish that when someone who on your own video evidence was sprayed with it has no trace of it on him that you prosecute him anyway? Go on admit it - its because you know its rubbish. What on earth are you thinking? Why are you paying for it at taxpayers expense?

My contacts within Notts police inform me that one man who was particularly influential in convincing Notts police to invest in all this Smartwater over the past few years now works for Smartwater. No shit Sherlock!

by "Inspector Fidget!" ejaculated Watson